I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
