There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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