So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
As shirtless as possible
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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