I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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