I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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