And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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