Pants 0. Shit 1.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
