I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
