A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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