The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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