You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
