i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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