i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
