Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
