when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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