Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
