WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Randomize
