I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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