We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
