I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
