I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
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At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
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I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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