My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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