Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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