having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
