My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
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She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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