you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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