HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
