Taylor Swift is so right about you.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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