I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
