Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize