My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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