she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
