You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
