forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
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IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
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