I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Randomize
