There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
