my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
