im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
