Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
