Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Randomize
