I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
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I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
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We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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