Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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