I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
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