Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
seriously i just wanna be friends
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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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