Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
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