found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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