Just fell off a train. Bad.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
