I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
