I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
