Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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