He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
