I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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