I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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