Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Randomize
