when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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