i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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