if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize
