im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
